Siblings

Today was yet another doctor appointment and I decided to bring Julia along this time. We recently started grief counseling because of the lack of support groups in our area (thankfully I don't have to lay on a couch or anything). Our counselor suggested taking Julia to the doctor with me this week since Travis was out of town and I had to brave the appointment alone. I haven't taken her to any of our appointments since Isaac was diagnosed. Even though we are constantly talking to her about her baby brother and she knows he is part of our family, the mother in me wants nothing more than to protect her from all of this. I don't want her to know the pain and grief that I feeling and I certainly don't want her to feel it either. However, I know how perceptive little ones are. She is no dummy and she is certainly aware of everything that's going on.

Before we left to the doctor I explained to Julia where we were going and what was going to happen. I told her that we were going to listen to Isaac's heartbeat and see how much he weighs. I also had to prepare her, just like I try to prepare myself, that because his heart is "sick" it may have stopped beating and he might be already in heaven. "With Jesus?" she asked. Which made me smile and realize she has been listening.

Once we were at the doctor, we started like always with the ultrasound. I told the ultrasound tech I wanted to talk Julia through it and show her her little brother. Thankfully right away we heard that same strong heartbeat we hear week after week. Julia knew right away what the sound was and so excited. We showed her his feet and hands and she carefully studied the screen. After a few minutes, she was back in her chair and watching Dora on my phone. I know it didn't last long but I am hoping these moments make an impact on her. It surely made an impact on me. It was a wonderful experience and so different then my past ultrasounds when the tech and I sat in silence for 45 minutes and she just handed me tissue after tissue to stop the tears from streaming down my face. This time, I was excited and proud that I had shared Isaac's greatness with Julia.

Isaac is doing much better this week. The fluid around him is within normal range and he is still growing. Prayers are being answered! He truly is a blessing and I know I always say it, but he is the definition of a miracle. We are lucky and blessed to have him and he is lucky to have Julia as a sister. I try not to think of all the things they won't be able to do together here on this earth because I know their relationship will go way beyond this life. I also know how close children are to the veil and in some ways I believe she is already closer to him than I will ever know.