Today we got the results of our amnio back (ouch, btw) and we found out we are having a BOY! Just days ago we announced on facebook that we were having a girl but the ultrasound tech was wrong. Julia is going to have a baby brother and we couldn't be more thrilled!
Today was so hard getting the official news that our baby has trisomy 18. Even though it had already been obvious on several ultrasounds and through blood tests, I would be lying if I didn't say a little corner of my heart was holding on to the hope that the amnio would come back negative. But it didn't, and for some reason I feel like I am starting back at square one of the grieving process. I feel as if the floor has been pulled out from under me all over again.
It's a strange feeling falling in love and grieving your baby all at the same time. Every time I see his perfect little face on the ultrasound screen I feel so many emotions. Half of my heart is filled with pride, happiness, joy, and overwhelming love. And yet the other half is filled fear, anger and an indescribable amount of sadness. It's exhausting and hard. I have thought a lot about what it would be like if we didn't have modern technology to tell us if our babies are healthy or not. What if I didn't know my baby was sick until he was here? Would it be easier to deal with the grief all at once instead of over my entire pregnancy? I suppose only the Lord could decide what is best for me and there are obvious lessons I need to learn along the way.
A few people have sent me this song that was written for a mother carrying a baby with trisomy 18. The lyrics are beautiful so I thought I would share.
I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you
I have to thank you all again for your prayers and well wishes. I have never felt so loved in my entire life. And to a stranger named Melissa who commented on my blog, I would love thank you for sharing your story. I don't know how to get a hold of you so if you are reading this, please leave me your email.
16 comments:
congrats! I am so impressed with your strength and am sending prayers your way. I love you guys and am so grateful for your example. You have 2 of the luckiest children in the world:)
my sweet friend, i just love you. i'm so very sorry yesterday was such a tough day for you. i should have hugged you more when you were over! not that that would fix anything, but hugs are good. we really should hug more often. you have been handling this amazingly well ash! you are so strong, so courageous. i don't know if i have told you enough, but you are such a great example to me. you are amazing. i love you, i love you, i love you!!!
Yay! A boy! I'm so excited that Julia will have a brother! Do you have names picked out yet? For what it's worth I like John Miller. Julia and John...very cute!
Anyways, I think you and Travis are incredible people and I'm so glad to have met you two! If you need anything just let me know. I would love to help!
Congrats!!! I cant believe your having a boy that is so exciting!!!I am so sorry for your other news I think about you guys every day and think you are handeling this so good. Let me know if you need anything at all! Love you guys!
Hi Ashley,
I met you years ago when you were in high school. My daughter Aly is married to Kyle Dart from Spanish Fork. I hope you have heard from her- we have a very dear friend who had a beautiful little girl last January with Trisomy 18. Aly was able to photograph this sweet child during her brief but incredible wonderful 21 days of life.
My daughter Emily sang "I Will Carry You" at Sydney Grace's funeral. The song says so much. I know this will not be easy for you and your husband, but I do have the faith that our Savior will make your burdens light, and HE will carry you through this appointed time.
Please know that we are praying for you, your son, and all that love you during this time.
If Aly did not link you into Sydney Grace's page, here is the link.
http://amazingsydneygrace.blogspot.com/
God bless you, sweetheart. You can do this.
This song is so beautiful! The inspiration that comes through trials and tribulation to make something beautiful is amazing to me. I wrote a poem called "I'm also a Mother" (when Jimmy had passed and my employer didn't give me the day off at work for Mother's Day like all the rest of the Moms). I don't know where it is though... I'll have to find it sometime.
Thanks again, Ashley, for your sweet spirit and your willingness to take your cross and follow the Savior with gladness in your heart. It's a great example to us all.
Love you,
Lillie
Congratulations. That is so exciting. I hope you guys are doing well. Wish I could come over and give you a big hug. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers. You guys are such good examples and I can only imagine all the people besides myself that are being touched from all your thoughts and what you are going through. Stay strong. We love you!
Oh Ashley... I am writing you through watery eyes. I cannot imagine a trial like this... you are an incredibly strong woman. Your strength is awe inspiring. You will get through this, and you will be able to hold, mother, and raise your beautiful son. You will be in my prayers.
Your posts are so touching, thank you for sharing your experience with us. Congrats on the little guy! There's nothing stronger then a bond between mothers and sons! Just know, no matter what happens one day you will get to raise your perfect son! You are so strong, I admire you!
Wow a boy! Ashley, you're an inspiration! We love you and Travis! We think of you often. You're in our prayers.
Ashley I just love you. You know...I have a hard time saying what I am feeling and when you explained how half your heart is filled fear, anger and an indescribable amount of sadness and the other is filled with pride, happiness, joy, and overwhelming love...that is how I have felt for almost 1 1/2 years...and in that time...I couldn't ever explain how I feel. Your words are amazing and make so much sence to me...I am greatful for your example. I know that NO ONE will ever know the great SACRIFICE that your family will give to this perfect child of God, except for the Lord.
I love this video (Jeffery R. Holland- Broken Things to Mend)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWM4U6gnPE8&feature=player_embedded
It's funny how things will trigger your feelings...I saw a little boy today (10 months old) the same age Cole was when his "perfect little body" flashed before our eyes...& what we thought we were left with was only fear & heartache & this little boy who I had never met...There is a picture of a little boy holding the Saviors hand & when I see it...I feel peace & hope.
When you feel your trials are too heavy to bare...watch this video...and remember the Lord loves you!
Ashley-
I am so sorry. I too felt that same way trying to grieve and bond at the same time. It is so hard. Hang in there. I love that song! it has gotten me through some of the hardest days. You really should read the book. AMAZING! I pray for you guys. May the lord comfort you. You have such amazing faith. Love you!
Oh Ashley, I just learned today about all that you have been through, and are going through. I'm so sorry you are having to go through these trials right now, and yet, so proud of you for the way that you are growing and enduring in spite of your grief. What a wonderful family you have, the four of you! Families really are Forever..it's not just something that we say. We will continue to pray for you throughout this pregnancy, and beyond. Please call and let us help! We live so close, you know!
PS: I am writing personal histories for my business "Tell Me Your Story", and I would love to write your "story" for your baby! For Free, of course! Call me! 214-223-3398
Love, Lisa and Family
(Amber's Mom)
A friend forwarded me your blog and I felt like I needed to comment. 2 weeks ago today our lives were changed forever. I was going in to have an ultrasound on my full-term breech baby to determine if they could move her. That ultrasound revealed that there was something wrong. Everything was a whirlwind, but it was determined that she probably had Trisomy 18. It was devestating. She was delivered by c-section that night and since then our lives have been like a blur. She was in the NICU for 9 days and is now home with us. She is actually doing quite well. Anyway, I don't know if I would be much of a support for you during this difficult time, but if you wanted to chat, please feel free to contact me.
Heather,
My heart breaks for you and your precious baby. I would love to contact you. However, when I click on your profile, it won't let me see any of your info so please leave me your email address or blog. Or you can email me when you are ready at ashley_92@hotmail.com I will remember you and your baby in my prayers. May you treasure each moment you have with your sweet daughter.
Much love,
Ashley
Ash, congrats on the news of finding out you are having a boy. I wouldn't know any different but have to say, boys are tons of fun!
I love you so much and am amazed by your strength! You are an example to me in so many ways. And not just because of this. I should have told you that a long time ago because you have always been one! Thanks for that.
We are praying for you!
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